MAYBE THE HARDEST PART OF GROWING OLD IS FINDING RIGHT WORD TO DESCRIBE IT.(VIRGINIA BEACH BEACON)

When I was still a very young man - at this point in my life any age before 50 is very young - a clerk in a motel asked if I were a member of AARP.

The sigh that came from deep inside me must have sounded like Al Gore reacting to a George Bush remark in the first presidential debate. I knew what AARP meant. It meant old. Finished. Retired.

I was 46 and still working.

Later, my wife partially rescued my ego by pointing out that anyone 50 or over is eligible for AARP membership. In four years, I'd be 50. So I didn't look much older than I was.

Such are the consolation prizes one receives as the hair turns gray and the eyesight dims.

Why do we need consolation as we grow old? Growing old is natural. It is peaceful in a way. It is soothing and comfortable.

It is also awful, which is why people keep trying to invent ways to cushion the blow.

Consider, for example, the New York couple with a Web site and a contest. The contest isn't about winning money or a trip for two on a slow boat to China, or even a free life membership in AARP.

These folks want another word for retirement. Or as they put it, a word to describe life after work. They think the word retirement sounds too much like life in a rocking chair, which isn't too shabby when you stop to think about it.

Words such as ``graduation'' and ``renaissance'' have been suggested by contestants who feel that life begins at sixty-something.

As a part-timer who has retired from two places and gone back to work for both, I enjoy the best of worlds. I work some; I rock some.

I would like to enter the contest anyway, because on my days off, I feel retired, graduated or whatever. Here are my suggested replacement words for retirement. It should be noted that they apply only to those who have truly stopped work altogether.

Unemployed. This is the most natural word to describe what happens after work. It does not, however, make you eligible for unemployment insurance - only Social Security.

Reclined. The perfect word to describe the lives of those people who spend all their time in an easy chair. Only one recliner in America isn't eligible to use this term. This is the man who is employed by a chair company to spend eight hours a day testing the comfort of its recliners. I'll swear I read a newspaper story about this guy. When he graduates, I intend to apply for his job.

Rich. This is probably the most desirable word. However, you must be a Republican to reach this point in life.

Stiff. No, I don't mean deceased. I mean stiff as in your backbone creaks when you want it to swivel.

Reinvented. Al the sigher invented the Internet and reinvented government. It's a good word.

Eating. This is about all you're good at anymore.

Sleeping. You do it all day because you can't go to sleep at night when you're old no matter how tired you happen to be.

Worried. Will I outlive my money? That's what the financial experts say old folks worry most about. Not me. I worry most about not outliving the money, which can't last much longer at the rate it gets away from you.

Finally, my last entry in the contest to discover a word to replace retirement is . . .

Sad. I'd like to be 46 again and worried about looking old enough to be joining AARP for the first time.